• Unsettling Feeling Of Self-Worth Creeps Over Area Man

  • Newly Purchased Condom Worn Out Of Store

  • Brother’s Name Repeated In Disbelief

  • Man With No Friends Tells It Like It Is

  • Friend’s House Smells Like Aunt’s House

  • Swarm Called Off After Only 12 Bees Show Up

  • Pretty Girl At Work Followed All The Way To Parking Lot This Time

  • Instructions On How To Throw Frisbee Shouted From Across Park

  • Hitchhiker With Machete, Driver With Machete Can’t Help But Laugh

  • Couple Imagines Each Other To Prolong Sex

  • Girls Are Bustier Than Ever, Reports Uncle At High School Graduation Party

  • Laid Back Ant Colony Refers To Queen As ‘Judy’

  • Grave Digger Is Perhaps The Most Influential Monster Truck Of All Time,’ Begins C- Essay

  • No Stopping Back Sweat Now

  • Landlord Has Person Of Same Ethnicity Who Helps Him

  • Prom Queen Called To Dance Floor For First Slow Dance With Principal

  • Underside Of Arby’s Table Nearly Touched

  • Three-Year-Old Announces Plan To Point Out Fat People All Day

  • Intern Off To A Weird Start

  • Ex-Girlfriend Busy, But Good


  • Travis Kelce Asks If Wedding Can Be Shark Themed

The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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